The Hippie Headmaster’s Pajama Party The Musical
by Dreamstallion33
Summary: A parody on the fifth Harry Potter movie. Author not responsible for randomly feeling the need to sing or the urge to see Equus. Erratic bursts of laughter may also ensue please consult OotP to accurately complain to WB! ENJOY! R
1. OotP Parody

**Disclaimer**-I don't own anything Harry Potter (I have a little resentment about this because obviously if I did own _something_ then the Hardcore HP Fans really couldn't seem like petty nit-picky people but I suppose there's no fun in making us happy!) and I'm not making money off of any of this..._Really it only counts if I make anyone laugh _(this is _serious_ business what they do to the books in these movies!).

**Author's Note**-Here it is! The OotP Parody! Snape is officially doubly awesome, since I enlisted my friend Orange to lend her voice to this parody. Just as Sirius is doubly hated (TAKE THAT SNAPE HATERS) by myself and Orange. You'll also find there are quite a few compliments toward Helena Bonham Carter/Bellatrix. I'll stop the backlash before it starts, and say that Bellatrix is quite cool in this book, and no further. I would now like to take this opportunity to thank those whose contributions you might find subtly littered in others' dialogue all over the parody: Frisky Muffin, Original Katie Bell, EowynSaule, Dancer of the Opera, Yorke0593, Melora's Daughter, Foxpad, daydreaming readhead, Lissette, EmeraldLily06, greysluver13. Also, Disney is life and if you can't apply a Disney song to a situation then it's simply not worth the time! And Time Burton has officially made it it impossible to like any other movie unless Johnny Depp and Alan Rickman are singing in it! For all the readers who commisioned it in their reviews of the GoF Parody, I hope this Parody lives up to all of your expectations! I'll beg for reviews at the end, thanks!

ENJOY!!

* * *

**Harry Potter and the Hippie Headmaster's Pajama Party-The Musical**

* * *

Opening Scene

_Fog. HP logo appears. HP theme plays out slowly. Reopen with radio announcer in background and an aerial view of Surrey_.

**Radio Announcer**-_(Static)  
(Sings)_  
What's this?  
What's this?  
There's something very wrong!  
What's this?_(Static)_

_Harry walking through dryness. Camera finally rests on playground. Harry on swing._

**Other moviegoers, who are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**-_(Looks at watch)_ Wow! A minute in and I'm already confused!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Wow! That's some drought! In Prisoner of Azkaban, when there wasn't even supposed to be a playground it was near houses!_(Disgust)_ DAMN YOU CUARON! Now, somehow it's in the savanna?! Nevermind the fact that they totally skipped the snap, crackle, pop madness because of Mungdungus, which is _really_ supposed to be the opening scene! _(Pouts)_ I was really looking forward to Mr. Tibbles!

_Harry watches mother and child._

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-_(Jealous and forlorn)_ They cut my hair! Now, the Hardcore fans are really going to be upset!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-HOORAY! CAPSLOCK HARRY!!

_Dudley and his gang appear._

**Orange**-Oh my god, the silver shirt, it BLINDS!

**Dudley**-I'm so cool, I've learned how to be a chipmunk!

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-_(Meek)_ Shutup…Please?

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Ooo! That'll teach them. _(Folds arms)_ Way to be emo Harry! Isn't it time you grew a set?

**Dudley**-There's always a question about your sexual preference early on in these movies. Better get on with it. YOU'RE GAY!!

**Gang Members**-_(Laughing heartily)_

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-DAMN YOU CUARON!!

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-_(Rushes at Dudley with wand)_ Yeah, well I was in Equus!!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-_(Exasperated_) Finally! Some real disturbed Harry material! _(Rolls eyes)_ Too bad that's not how it happens!

**Gang Members**-_(Continue to laugh heartily)_

**Other moviegoers, who are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**-Why are they still laughing? Doesn't it strike them as weird that Harry is shoving a piece of wood into Dudley's neck?

**Harry/Dudley Shippers-**YES!! FINALLY OUR DAY HAS COME!!

**Dream**-There's Harry/Dudley shippers? EW!!

_Sky suddenly darkens_

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-WTF?! NO NO NO!! It's already supposed to be dark! Dementors can't turn off the _sun_! _(Sob)_ Why did Lord of the Rings get Peter Jackson?!

_Cut to Harry and Dudley running through the Savanna into clearly safe tunnel of doom_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Hey! If you close your eyes, this bit is nearly accurate!

* * *

Clearly Safe Tunnel of Doom

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-A tunnel? Really? That's the best they could come up with? Really? Because we all know Harry has a knack for finding places that aren't going to turn into important plot points later on!

_Light flickers. Harry and Dudley look concerned. Scary Dementor swoops and pins Harry to wall._

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-Ow! _(Sigh)_ Oh well, this always happens; I'll just stand here and make straining noises for a bit. Everyone always wants a piece of me! That's why I was cast in Equus! Have you seen it?

**Orange**-Dementors are supposed to be scary! Not like, Ooo look! A garbage bag caught in the wind!!

_Dudley conveniently slips on puddle in Clearly Safe Tunnel. Second Dementor appears. Harry's Dementor begins to eat his face. Harry finds his wand and pushes Dementor off._

**Orange**-Did Harry just bitchslap a dementor?!

**Dementors**-_(Sings)_  
Look there he goes.  
Isn't he dreamy?  
Monsieur Harry.  
Oh he's so cute.  
Be still my heart.  
I'm hardly breathing.  
He's such a tall, dark,  
strong and handsome brute!

_Harry wins by using the patronus charm, Dementors nearly get run over by lorry, ho hum. Arabella Figg appears._

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-FIGGY!!

**Other moviegoers, who are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**-_(Still trying to figure out the last scene_) Um…

**Mrs. Figg**-I'm here! Unfortunately I can't save the day, but you'll never know why because Michael Goldenberg left it out of the script.

_Harry hauls Dudley home while Mrs. Figg kind of explains herself_.

* * *

Privet Drive

**Mrs. Figg**-I speak to dead people. I mean Dumbledore. I speak to Dumbledore. Now that's all the explanation you get! Good evening Mr. Potter.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-_(Grumpy)_ What? No mention of her being a squib? How is that going to make sense at the hearing?!

**Other moviegoers, who are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**-She's a squib! Wait what's a squib? There's a hearing?! Wait wait, who is Mrs. Figg anyway?

* * *

Inside Number Four Privet Drive

_TV discusses the heat. Petunia uses portable fan_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-HOORAY THE DURSLEYS!!

**Dream**-AH! Petunia in a mini dress thing! IT _BURNS_!

**Petunia**-Vernon did you find the whipped cream-Oh Dudders is home! AH! I'm not wearing panties! VERNON!!

_Vernon in kitchen_

**Orange**-OH GOD, VERNON EATING ICECREAM, IT _BURNS_!

_Harry and Dudley enter. Dudley is ill, Harry is blamed. Owl crashes into house. Letter talks._

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-_(Facepalm)_ NO! Ministry letters don't talk! And there are supposed to be about three more owls! And what about REMEMBER MY LAST PETUNIA?!

_The Dursleys stealthy leave the house. Mrs. Figg looks out window._

**Other moviegoers, who are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**-Oh! So Mrs. Figg is a neighbor!

* * *

Harry's Room

_Harry slams fists against door. Picture falls._

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Ooo! Harry broke the picture that's not even supposed to exist! So is this the start or the end of Harry's depression for this movie?

_Harry sighs. Cut to brief darkness and then dream._

**Dream**-CEDRIC!! Wait, NO!! _(Sobs)_

_Dream ends. Harry opens his eyes. Harry sits up and watches key turn in lock_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Way to skip over a dozen pages!

_Door opens_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-OH LOOK! TONKS AND MOODY!!

**Moody**-I'm rescuing you with no explanation of course! Let's get going!

* * *

Outside Number Four Privet Drive

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-_(Speechless)_ But-But! Hey! Everyone saw my butt in Equus!

**Moody**-I didn't need to know that. Behold the mighty power of a pimp cane! Kingsley doesn't have one he can explain.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-_(Impressed) _OMG! This is like a real advanced guard!!

**Kingsley**-_(Explains without ever looking Harry in the eye and searching the surrounding area suspiciously)_ There is going to be a hearing. And no one is going to answer any of your questions right now.

**Tonks**-Don't worry Harry, hardly anything will be explained ever in these movies. Especially since Kloves will be writing the next one again. So I'm going to _say_ we'll explain more at head quarters, but we won't.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-_(Rubs eyes)_ Okay her hair is definitely purple! I will forgive them for making it long and stringy and not spiky. But really how hard is it to buy _pink_ dye!

**Moody**-NYMPHADORA!!

**Tonks**-_(Hair turns red)_ DON'T CALL ME NYMPHADORA!!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-_(Sputters)_ They bought red dye for a ten second scene! But couldn't have her hair be _pink_! Nevermind the fact that is not how being a metamorphagus works! _(Holds hands to heart as the pain sinks in)_

**Tonks**-Actually I'm a natural blue!

**Other moviegoers, who are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**-_(Scratches head)_ Ah? Um? Er? Who-Wait what? And why? And those two other people who haven't been introduced?

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Oh that's just Emmeline Vance and Elphias Doge. But where are Hestia Jones and Dedalus Diggle? They were so close! _(Buries face in hands)_

_Moody taps his pimp cane twice and brooms fly toward their owners._

**Moody**-_(Sings)_  
Through the mist,  
Through the woods,  
Through the darkness and the shadows,  
It's a nightmare but it's one exciting ride.  
Say a prayer.  
Then we're there…

* * *

Flying over London

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Wow they did this right! But what's with the Harry/Tonks insinuations?

**Orange**-Hay, instead of, you know, being all covert, and stuff, how about we just fly along the Thames, since it's just _so_ pretty? Not like anyone ever looks at the Thames anyways!

* * *

Grimmauld Place

_Moody opens gate. Everyone stands in front of row of houses. Moody bangs pimp cane twice and houses shake. Shot of various people in houses going about their evening business_.

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-_(Awe)_

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-_(Sigh of relief)_ Phew! I was sure Harry was going to say something about loving magic again! Of course if he did I would have to use wizard swears.

_Everyone walks in. Harry stops mid-hallway. Everyone pushes passed into room. Tonks winks at Harry_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-STOP INSINUATING TONKS/HARRY!!

_Tonks trips over troll foot_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-OMG! There's hope! I might cry! _(Waits to hear wailing of Mrs. Black)_

_No wailing_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-_(Sigh) _I don't know why I bother to get my hopes up.

_Shot of Sirius, Arthur and other Order members. Mrs. Weasley appears_.

**Mrs. Weasley**-I'M BACK!!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-_(Rejoice) _HOORAY JULIE WALTERS RETURNS!!_  
_

**Mrs. Weasley**-I know you're hungry but you'll have to wait until after the meeting. As usual, no time to explain! Ron and Hermione are upstairs.

_Shots of wall in Grimmauld Place_

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Did you see that? Was that a house-elf head? Did they actually do something else right? _(Rubs eyes in disbelief)_

**Other moviegoers, who are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**-Ooo! I think I'm starting to get the hang of this! That's Dobby! OLDER!!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-_(Shakes head with disgust)_ NO THAT'S KREACHER! Please j-just go back to being confused!

**Other moviegoers, who are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**-_(Half-Hearted effort)_ Damn you Cuaron? _(Scared)_

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-_(Pats Other Moviegoers)_ Good try. But that might be more appropriate later. Relax. Shhh!

**Kreacher**-_(Sings)_  
Life is so unnerving.  
For a servant who's not serving.  
He's not whole without a soul to wait upon.  
Ah, those good old days when I was useful.  
Suddenly those good old days are gone.  
Ten years I've been rusting.  
Needing so much more than dusting.  
Needing exercise,  
a chance to use my skills.  
Most days I just lay around the castle.  
Flabby, fat and lazy.  
You walked in and oops-a-daisy!

_Kreacher and Harry stare at each other. Kreacher mumbles things under his breath. Harry walks away. Kreacher goes to wipe plaque_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-DID YOU JUST SEE THAT?! That plaque! That curtain! If only they had her screaming!

_Harry opens door. Something hairy rushes at Harry_.

**Hermione: Pantene ProV Spokesperson**-It's my first scene and I'm already overacting! YOU MUST TELL US EVERYTHING!! Even though we haven't told you anything! And I'm really sorry I didn't have a chance to see Equus!

**Orange**-Way to be anorexic there, Watson.

**Dream**-And look at her giant forehead!

**Ron, promises NOT to say Bloody Hell, for now**-Hermione shutup! I _saw_ Equus!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-I sense this scene lacking something. _(Taps chin)_ What is it?_ (Hits head)_ OMG! RON DIDN'T SAY BLOODY HELL!!

**Hermione: Pantene ProV Spokesperson**-_(Breathing heavy)_ And this whole thing with you breaking magical laws and then suffering less than the actual consequences by getting a hearing is completely unfair!

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-Yes, Hermione. There is a lot of that going on lately. _(Looks depressed)_

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Ooo the emo is just riveting! I'm riveted! I can't believe Harry finds his life unfair!

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-So where are we? And when do I get naked?

**Ron, promises NOT to say Bloody Hell, for now**-It's head quarters. Because that explains everything!

**Hermione: Pantene ProV Spokesperson**-_(Shouting, for some reason)_ FOR the ORDER of the PHOENIX! It's all a big secret though! DUMBLEDORE FOUNDED IT!

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-_(Oozing emo)_ No letters! No news! No love! All summer. It was dreadful!

**Hermione: Pantene ProV Spokesperson**-_(About to cry)_ DUMBLEDORE MADE US SWEAR!!

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY DOES MY LIFE SUCK?! VOLDEMORT TOUCHED MY FACE IN A CREEPY WAY AND THEN HAD AN ORGASM DAMN IT!!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-This is good stuff!

**Ron, promises NOT to say Bloody Hell, for now**-I love _you_ Harry!

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-Shut up! I'm having a rhetorical conversation!

_Fred and George apparate_.

**Orange**-4 out of 5 experts agree; The sudden appearance of the Weasley twins is the best way to get Harry to STFU!

_Extendable Ears on staircase_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-OMG! They're just how I imagined. Now I really might cry!

_Mrs. Weasley and Sirius have a debate about Harry that should be said later. Snape and Sirius debate._

**Dream**-SNAPE! His voice is so sexy! And even better when he's totally pwning Sirius!

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-Snape Snape Severus Snape, DUMBLEDORE!

**Ron, promises NOT to say Bloody Hell, for now**-Git

**Dream**-No Ron! No! _Sirius_ is the git!

_Crookshanks eats extendable ear. Talking continues. Cut to everyone walking downstairs toward Mrs. Weasley. Twins apparate behind her_.

**Mrs. Weasley**-JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE OF AGE DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD DO MAGIC AT EVERY CHANCE YOU GET! I'm back with a vengeance! I love my children so much I yell at them at every opportunity. _(Glares at Ron)_ Oh Harry, how lovely for you to be here!_  
(Sings)_  
Please, it is with deepest pride and greatest pleasure that we welcome you tonight.  
And now we invite you to relax,  
let us pull up a chair as the dining room proudly presents – your dinner!  
Be our guest.  
Be our guest.  
Put our service to the test!

**Mr. Weasley**-HELLO HARRY! Alright? Because it's not like you're dealing with way more than teen angst these days.

**Sirius: English Rico suave**-Last time you saw me I was coal. Have I changed much?

_Sirius hugs Harry. Very heartfelt._

**Dream/Orange**-_(Gag)_

* * *

The Dinner Table

_Fred looks at Crookshanks calculatingly. Camera pan around the table. Tonks changes her nose while Ginny laughs_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-THAT IS NOT HOW BEING A METAMORPHAGUS WORKS! _(Weeps openly at how much they messed up Tonks)(Pouts)_ AND THEY CUT MUNDUNGUS FLETCHER!

**Other moviegoers, who are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**-Well don't cry! They never even bother to explain why Tonks can do that!

_Moody stands moodily in the corner. Harry sees the Daily Prophet's lies._

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-_(Wipes eyes)_ That's right! That part of the scene is right!_(Takes deep breaths and continues to watch)_

**Remus**-Well Harry you see Fudge is crazy. So somehow that makes you crazy! By the way I'm unshaven, so the eyebrow between my nose and lip is much fuller! I'M NOT A PEDOPHILE!! Although I did go to see Equus!

**Sirius: English Rico suave**-Isn't my new hairstyle just fabulous! I got the idea from Aragon toward the end of Return of the King. So anyway Voldemort, the cutest dark wizard around, is looking for something he didn't have before. A weapon of sorts. _(Rolls eyes)_ Like that line makes sense! _(Pouts)_ I was naked on stage once too!

**Mrs. Weasley**-This is where Sirius and I are supposed to have the fight you heard part of with the extendable ears. Oh well, I'm still in the movie! Now that's enough Sirius, we need to keep Harry in the dark for plot purposes!

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-_(Tantrum)_ BUT I WANT TO BE A MEMBER OF THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX! AND WHY AM I STILL WEARING CLOTHES?!

**Sirius: English Rico suave**-_(Reckless, enabling look)_

**Dream**-_(Hates Sirius)_ BOOO!!

**Orange**-_(Also, hates Sirius)_ BOOZER!

_Cut to Ron and Harry sleeping. Ron snores. Harry tosses and turns and hears creepy voices_.

* * *

The Underground

_Mr. Weasley and Harry come down escalator_.

**Mr. Weasley**-I love muggles!

_Mr. Weasley tries to get through turnstile. Harry looks emo-ly exasperated. Apparently he has a metro card. Cut to Mr. Weasley and Harry on a street with a lone telephone booth_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Um, not quite. The telephone booth is supposed to look broken down. And where is Purge and Dowse Ltd.? I'm sensing a lot of cutting was done! I don't have enough energy for this!

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-What is this? Is this like the mangy boot? THE BOY WHO LIVED DOESN'T GO INTO A RANDOM TELEPHONE BOOTH WITH A BEST FRIEND'S DAD! This has alarming similarities to disturbing fanfiction openings. Is this still Harry Potter or a sequel to Equus? HELP?!

_They enter the telephone booth. _

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-I guess wizards aren't claustrophobic.

_The inside of the booth begins to sink like an elevator. Mr. Weasley is easily amused. Harry looks apprehensive_.

* * *

The Ministry of Magic

_Telephone booth drops in the middle of a crowd of Ministry people. Camera pans about atrium. People pop out of floo fires. Camera takes in the entire atrium._

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-_(Speechless, shocked, really impressed)_ WOW!! Um! Ah! THE FOUNTAIN OF BRETHEN!! AND DID YOU SEE THE FLYING MEMOS? Holy shit, this _is_ the Ministry of Magic! _(Gets chocked up)_

_Mr. Weasley and Harry enter lift._

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Oh! This is like watching the book! I don't believe it!

_Mr. Weasley explains the flying memos and uses lines directly from the book_.

**Other moviegoers, who are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**-_(Shock)_ I don't believe it! Something was finally explained to us! I finally know a little about what is going on!

_Kingsley enters lift_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Oh but there they go! Messing it all up. And things were going so well! _(Grumpy)_ AND WE DON'T GET TO MEET PERKINS OR SEE ARTHUR'S OFFICE!!

_Mr. Weasley finds out Harry's hearing time has changed. Cut to lift opening. Cool female voice announces floor_.

* * *

The Department of Mysteries

**Cool Female Voice in elevator**-Welcome to the Hollywood Tower of Terror!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Oh! They even have the voice! How lovely!

_Mr. Weasley and Harry get off and see Fudge and Lucius Malfoy conversing_.

**Dream**-_(Sigh)_ Lucius!_  
(Sings)_  
Still I think he's rather tasty!

_Mr. Weasley offers Harry some quick advice and quotes muggles. Then he sends Harry to his doom_.

* * *

The Hearing

_Fudge bangs gavel for order. Harry looks at Fudge, nervous_.

**Fudge: The Real Barmy Old Codger**-_(Sings)_  
Who's been painting my roses red?  
WHO'S BEEN PAINTING MY ROSES RED?  
Who dares to taint.  
With vulgar paint.  
The royal flower bed?  
For painting my roses red.  
Someone will lose his head!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE SAME ROOM THAT BARTY CROUCH JR. WAS CONVICTED IN!! It's totally not! _(Applauds)_ Ooo, but look at the Wizengamot! It's exactly as I imagined!!

**Dumbledore: The Pajama Wearer Extraordinaire-**I'm here! I'm queer! Get used to it!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-OMG! MICHAEL GAMBON EXCUTED A LINE CORRECTLY! This movie is making Harry Potter history! I might cry again!!

**Dream**-I cannot believe his first line didn't cause me physical pain!

**Orange-**Hm, Gambon is not making me want to hit things... this is huge news people!

**Fudge: The Real Barmy Old Codger**-HAVE YOU BEEN PAINTING MY ROSES RED?

**Dumbledore: The Pajama Wearer Extraordinaire-**NEKKID TIME!! WOOHOO!!

**Fudge: The Real Barmy Old Codger**-OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!

**Dumbledore: The Pajama Wearer Extraordinaire-**Wait, I'm still in my pajamas?! Oh hi Fudge! Wow you're tall behind that big podium! Are you compensating for something? I am so wasted! Hm, Fudge! Would you like to come to one of my pajamas parties?

**Fudge: The Real Barmy Old Codger**-OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!

**Dumbledore: The Pajama Wearer Extraordinaire-**But we have so much fun! There's karakoke! No? Okay, maybe another time. Keep talking.

**Fudge: The Real Barmy Old Codger**-Harry James Potter produced a Patronus Charm in the presences of a muggle. Do you deny these charges Mr. Potter?

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-EQUUS!!

**Fudge: The Real Barmy Old Codger**-OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-But there were Dementors! And I was in Equus! _(Spastic)_ VOLDEMORT!!

_Fudge begins to speak to people present. Amelia Bones questions Harry's statement_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-OMG!! AMELIA BONES!! WIN!! And they actually mention that muggles can't see Dementors. Who read this book? I must know! I_ need_ to shake their hand!

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-_(Sputter)_

**Fudge: The Real Barmy Old Codger**-OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!

_Mrs. Figg is provided as a witness_.

**Mrs. Figg**-I am going to attempt to describe a Dementor, but yet again everyone seems to forget to mention that I'm a SQUIB!!

**Dumbledore: The Pajama Wearer Extraordinaire-**VOLDEMORT IS BACK! That's for rejecting my pajama party invitation! _(Blows raspberry)_

**Umbridge: Evil beyond the Daleks-**_(Hem)(Hem)_ The Ministry of Magic, to put it bluntly, pwns you all! So STFU Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore! OWNED!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Wow! I hate her so much I love her! She freaking _is_ Umbridge!

**Other moviegoers, who are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**-Um…Ah…Is she important? Am I _supposed_ to hate her?

**Dumbledore: The Pajama Wearer Extraordinaire-**And as for you, your majesty! Your majesty indeed! Why, you're not a Minister of Magic, you're just a fat, pompous, bad tempered old ty... tyrant!

**Amelia Bones**-Your Majesty, members of the jury, loyal subjects... and the King... the prisoner at the bar stands accused of using magic in the presence of muggles, being an underage wizard, and claiming that the dark wizard You-Know-Who is back, thereby and with malice of forethought, molesting, tormenting, and otherwise annoying our beloved...

**Fudge: The Real Barmy Old Codger**-Never mind all that! Get to the part where I lose my temper.

**Amelia Bones**-...thereby causing the Minister of Magic to lose his temper.

**Fudge: The Real Barmy Old Codger**-Now then, are you ready for the sentence?

**Dumbledore: The Pajama Wearer Extraordinaire-**But there has to be a verdict first.

**Fudge: The Real Barmy Old Codger**-Sentence first! Verdict afterwards.

**Dumbledore: The Pajama Wearer Extraordinaire-**But that just isn't the way.

**Fudge: The Real Barmy Old Codger**-All ways are...!

**Dumbledore: The Pajama Wearer Extraordinaire-**...your ways, your Majesty.

**Fudge: The Real Barmy Old Codger**-That's enough! Off with their heads!

_Harry is cleared of all charges. Dumbledore leaves without looking at Harry. Cut to Moody walking at King's Cross_.

* * *

King's Cross

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Way to skip EVERYTHING important! No shocking Boggarts from Mrs. Weasley! We never have a chance to despise Kreacher properly. NO PREFECT BADGES!! THAT WAS PRIME EMO MATERIAL!! And what about the entire house cleaning excitement?! _(Spastic)_ LOCKET!! Deathly Hallows is so not going to make _any_ sense! _(Folds arms in frustration)_

_Harry doesn't push his own trolley. Large dog runs passed Harry into room. Dog transforms into Sirius_.

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-I'm going to say your name _as_ I close the door so anyone suspicious can hear me say the name of my on-the-run-reckless godfather!

**Orange**-For the love of all that is good and pure, Sirius, PUT A SHIRT ON!

**Sirius: English Rico suave**-What's life without a little risk?

**Dream**-Oh that's sad! That's really sad! Oh Sirius you idiot! With that mentality, you're doomed! GREAT!!

_Sirius shows Harry picture of the original Order_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-_(Disappointment) _This is Moody's part! And it was supposed to be five chapters ago!

**Sirius: English Rico suave**-Now I'm going to depress you even more Harry as I explain different people in this picture, and then mention when Voldemort killed them and how devastating it was. The story of Frank and Alice Longbottom is going to be vaguely explained, even though you were supposed to be told in the last movie. Also, Harry I'd really like it if you changed your name to James! Anyway, you keep it. It's all up to you to end it, anyway. BUT NO PRESSURE!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-WHAT?! He's not even going to give Harry the mirror?_ (Facepalm)_ OY! Poor Deathly Hallows. It never had a chance!

_Cut to Harry about to board the Hogwarts' Express_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-DAPPER VOLDEMORT! IT _BURNS_!

**Dream**-The Dark side must have some deal going with Armani.

**Orange**-HAHA! Dapper Voldy. Best Halloween Costume of all time!!

_Cut to Harry and Co. on the train. Wide shot of train. Cut to Harry and Co. exiting train_.

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-_(Emo)_

**Draco**-VOLDEMORT STOLE MY SUIT!

_Harry tries to go after Malfoy, Ron holds him back_.

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-_(Emo)_ I've gotten really good at using fighting words! Ready! _(Angry)_ JUST STAY AWAY FROM ME!! See? I used that same line on Ron in the last movie!

**Hermione: Pantene ProV Spokesperson**-_(Scared sob)_

**Ron, promises NOT to say Bloody Hell, for now**-_(Resists urge to say favorite line)_

_Harry walks away emo-ly. Cut to carriages. Harry and Cho moment. Neville joins the trio. Carriage pulls up. Harry stares at Thestral_.

* * *

Carriage

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-THESTRALS! _(Shock)_ THEY LOOK SO AMAZING!

**Other moviegoers, who are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**-_(Horrified)_ WHAT IS IT?

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-Oh look a skeleton horse I've never seen before! This reminds me of when I was in Equus! Should I get undressed now?

**Hermione: Pantene ProV Spokesperson**-_(Sob)_ There's nothing there! HARRY YOU'RE GOING MAD!!

**Neville: Not a House Elf**-I'm _supposed_ to see them, but that seems to have been overlooked.

**Luna: Radishes are a girl's best friend**-You're not going mad. I can see them too!

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-But I don't want to go among mad people.

**Luna: Radishes are a girl's best friend**-Oh, you can't help that. Most everyone's mad here. You may have noticed that I'm not all there myself.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Luna! And the Quibbler is upside down! BRILLIANT!!

**Hermione: Pantene ProV Spokesperson**-I'm a bitch so I'm going to insult Luna right in front of her face, even though Ginny should be doing this, and it should have been done on the train. LOONEY!!

**Luna: Radishes are a girl's best friend**-Why would she do that? Because she's a lummox, isn't she? Well we shall have a magnificent garden party and you're not invited! Oh and nargles!!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Evanna Lynch, you officially make up for Emma's inflated ego and deflated hair!

* * *

Great Hall

_Shot of people eating. Seamus glares at Harry_.

**Other moviegoers, who are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**-Why is there always someone who hates Harry inexplicably? Should I hate him too?

**Dumbledore: The Pajama Wearer Extraordinaire-**Good morning, starshine... the earth says hello! And welcome to another year where Harry will suffer extreme angst and then make a series of poor decisions which will yet again, lead to tragedy and more angst!_  
(Sings)_  
This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius.  
The age of Aquarius.  
Aquarius!  
Aquarius!

_Camera pans staff table. Snape claps. Camera rests on Snape and Umbridge_.

**Snape: Founder of the Anti-Sirius Foundation**-THE PINK! IT _BURNS_!

**Dream**-_(Resists urge to sing Pinky and the Brain theme song)_

_Umbridge coughs. _

**Umbridge: Evil beyond the Daleks-**THE POWER OF THE MINISTRY COMPELS YOU!

**Trelawney-**_(Chewing)_ This pie is in grave danger!

_Pan to whole school looking at Umbridge in horror. Candles float above students_.

**Orange**-Wouldn't you think floating candles would, like, drip MOLTEN HOT WAX all over the unsuspecting students?!

**Umbridge: Evil beyond the Daleks-**See? Nothing says love like repulsed looks and snarky comments from the Weasley Twins!

**Dumbledore: The Pajama Wearer Extraordinaire-**_(Claps)_ Ha ha ha, wasn't that just magnificent? I thought it was getting a little dodgy in the middle part, but that finale…Wow!

**Hermione: Pantene ProV Spokesperson**-_(About to cry)_ Well I'm so smart I'm going to summarize what was even clear for the Other Moviegoers!

* * *

Common Room

_Harry walks into common room, depressed. People whisper and stare inexplicably_.

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-Gentlemen, I wash my hands of this weirdness.

**Dean**-I'm Seamus' lead in, better get on with it.

_Seamus throws paper down_.

**Seamus**-Today I have to dislike you, but give me a day and I'll worship you again. I completely fail at using sarcasm. And my Mum hates you!

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-You're mother is a blast-end skank!

**Orange**-Way to cut right to it, and just have Seamus and Harry fight from the start!

_Enter Ron_.

**Seamus**-I'm just mad because I was didn't get to see Equus! DO YOU BELIEVE HIM?

**Ron, promises NOT to say Bloody Hell, for now**-Yeah, I do. And since I'm technically not a Prefect in this movie, if anyone else has a problem with Harry I will personally throw a Puking Pastille down their throat and throw away the antidote! _(Glares)_ Well…This is awkward.

**Dream**-Wow Daniel Radcliffe is still really short!

_Harry storms upstairs and kicks his trunk. Ron follows_.

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-_(Snaps at Ron for no reason)_ I'm not you're girlfriend _Ronald_! I have changed a lot over the summer! I was in Equus!!

_Ron walks away, clearly hurt. Harry has a crick in his neck. Cut to dream of long dark(not familiar)corridor that probably has some sexual innuendo in it. Harry tosses and turns. More mysterious corridor. Cut to the strained, sweaty body parts of Harry_.

**Orange**-DANIEL RADCLIFFE HAS A HUGE NECK!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-_(Taps chin)_ Why does this scene give me the sudden urge to watch Spider-Man 3?

_Mysterious corridor. Harry tosses and turns more. Voldemort whispers Harry's name. Shot of Voldemort's hand reaching out. Shot of Harry panting. More completely unknown Corridor from the hearing scene. A series of more random shots of a door and the prophecy. Ending with Voldemort's face. Harry wakes up breathing heavy, and sweaty. Ron looks at Harry, oddly_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Yep! There was definitely sexual innuendo all over that scene!_(Shakes fist)_ DAMN YOU CUARON!

* * *

Defense against the Dark Arts

_Paper bird flies about room. Girls laugh as it passes. Seamus hits it. Crabbe sling-shots something at it. Umbridge sets it on fire_.

**Umbridge: Evil beyond the Daleks-**_(Irritating)_ Y'know. All you hip, jazzy, super cool, neat, keen, and groovy cats. It's in the fridge, daddy-o! Are you hip to the jive? Can you dig what I'm layin' down? I knew that you could. Slide me some skin, soul brother! Of course you don't know. You don't know because only I know. If you knew and I didn't know, then you'd be teaching me instead of me teaching you - and for a student to be teaching his teacher is presumptuous and rude. Do I make myself clear?

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-SHE SAID O.W.L.S.!

**Hermione: Pantene ProV Spokesperson**-I'm going to cry! We can't use magic!

**Umbridge: Evil beyond the Daleks-**Why would you need to use magic here at Hogwarts, ever?

**Ron, promises NOT to say Bloody Hell, for now**-But I want to learn how to blow up shit with my mind.

**Umbridge: Evil beyond the Daleks-**You really shouldn't mumble, because I can't understand a word you're saying.

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-Are you like a crazy person?

**Umbridge: Evil beyond the Daleks-**I'm sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing.

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-_(Attempts sarcasm)_ VOLDEMORT'S NIPPLE!

_The class shifts uneasily_.

**Umbridge: Evil beyond the Daleks-**_(Sings)_  
You're jokin',  
you're jokin'.  
I can't believe my ears.  
Would someone shut this fella up.  
I'm drownin' in my tears.  
It's funny,  
I'm laughing.  
You really are too much.

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-I was in Equus! _(Angry)_ CEDRIC IS DEAD!_  
(Sings)_  
There's a hole in the world like a great black pit,  
and it's filled with people who are full of shit,  
and the vermin of the world inhabit it...

**Umbridge: Evil beyond the Daleks-**_(Denial)_ Cedric Diggory was killed by fan girls, Mr. Potter! DETENTION!

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-_(Angier)_ VOLDEMORT HAS NO NOSE!!

**Umbridge: Evil beyond the Daleks-**_(Sings)_  
Oh, brother,  
you're something.  
You put me in a spin.  
You aren't comprehending.  
The position that you're in,  
it's hopeless,  
you're finished,  
you haven't got a prayer.  
'Cause I'm Mrs. Oogie Boogie,  
and you ain't going nowhere!

* * *

Umbridge's Office

_Umbridge puts three scoops of pink sugar in her tea and takes a sip. Harry enters_.

**Dream**-THE OBSCENE AMOUNT OF PINK IS BLINDING! MAKE IT STOP!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-OMG! It's _(Blinks) _just like _(Blinks)_ in the book!_(Eyes water from intense pinkness)_

_Harry writes. Umbridge tries not to have an orgasm_.

**Other moviegoers, who are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**-Ah? Um? Wow, she's a tough cookie! Should I be worried? Maybe in pain? What exactly is going on?!

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-Well, I'm clearly in pain. I'm making those grunting noises that hold the majority of my dialogue. The pain is worsening, and I'm watching what I'm writing show up on my hand, and bleed, and I'm continuing to write! No wonder I wallow in my own grief so often! I'm a bleeding masochist! That's why I was cast in Equus, you know!

**Orange**-Wow, the hand-scar, that...wow... Someone give the special effect guys a raise or something!

**Umbridge: Evil beyond the Daleks-**_(Sings)_  
Look at me, Mr. Potter!  
Look at you!  
No, we all deserve to die!  
Even you, Mr. Potter,  
even I!

* * *

Gryffindor Common Room

_Scene opens with Weasley Wizarding Wheezes Skiving Snack Boxes being opened_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-_(Eyes widen in shock)_ They read my letter! I don't know what to say! Did you see that box? _(Sniff)_

_Fred and George sell Skiving Snack boxes. Children in the vicinity suffer from various illnesses_.

**Ron, promises NOT to say Bloody Hell, for now**-I've found the source of the mysterious ticking noise!

**Hermione: Pantene ProV Spokesperson**-YEAH!!

_Ron and Hermione sit by Harry. Harry flips through Defense against the Dark Arts book._

**Hermione: Pantene ProV Spokesperson**-_(About to cry)_ Hey there, Mr. Grumpy Gills. AH YOUR HAND IS SCARRED!!

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-_(Shows wrong hand)_ Look I'm being witty!

_Hermione takes Harry's other hand_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Okay there is definitely sexual innuendo here! DAMN YOU CUARON!!

**Ron, promises NOT to say Bloody Hell, for now**-I like butterflies! _(Spastic)_ PARENTS!

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-_(Emo)_ I don't have any parents! And my Godfather is a reckless enabler!

**Ron, promises NOT to say Bloody Hell, for now**-I think I'm a sofa...

**Hermione: Pantene ProV Spokesperson**-I know how you feel...

**Ron, promises NOT to say Bloody Hell, for now**-All right, anyone else? Hello, how 'bout you, Harry? What's your problem?

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-Me? I don't... I don't have a problem!

**Hermione: Pantene ProV Spokesperson**-Oh. Okay...

**Hermione: Pantene ProV Spokesperson**/**Ron, promises NOT to say Bloody Hell, for now**-Denial.

* * *

Forbidden Forest

_Cut to Hedwig flying over Hogwarts. Voice over of Harry writing to Sirius. Harry stands in front of Hagrid's door. Cut to Harry walking in the Forbidden Forest. Luna feeds Thestrals sans shoes_.

**Luna: Radishes are a girl's best friend**-I shall call him squishy, and he shall be mine, and he shall be my squishy!

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-What are they?

**Other moviegoers, who are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**-I have been wondering the same thing for sometime now!

**Luna: Radishes are a girl's best friend**-Well the Hardcore HP Fans are going to be very sour because they gave me Hagrid's part. They're different, which is why they gave me these lines because it applies to me and you! Don't you love symbolism?!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-_(Sour)_

**Dream**-They're so cute!! Look at the baby Thestral!

_Luna explains about Thestrals(insert life story)_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-_(Jaw drops)_ I cannot believe the actually included Luna's background!

**Luna: Radishes are a girl's best friend**-So I read Voldy's Blog last night, and it was all about you Harry! Like why you feel the way you do. And why this is all part of his big plan! Really explains why you're so emo all the time!

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-_(Smiles flirtatiously) _Uh? What? Huh? Duh?

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-NO! DON'T INSUINUATE HARRY/LUNA NOW!! _(Grumpy)_ And they didn't mention that Luna's Dad is the Quibbler editor!

_Luna gives Thestral meat. Harry and Luna smile at each other. Cut to Ron eating_.

* * *

Great Hall

**Orange**-This clearly shows that Ron is part Thestral!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Do you see what Ron is holding? They made a pamphlet about cramming for the O.W.L.S.! Someone deserves a hug for that!!

_Harry asks to join friends. Disturbance in the entrance hall. Everyone goes to watch the latest cat fight_.

**McGonagall**-_(Sings)_  
Salagadoola  
mechicka boola  
bibbidi-bobbidi-boo.  
It'll do magic believe it or not. Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo!

**Umbridge: Evil beyond the Daleks-**_(Sings)_  
I admit that in the past I've been a nasty.  
They weren't kidding when they called me, well, a witch.  
But you'll find that nowadays,  
I've mended all my ways.  
Repented, seen the light and made a switch.  
True? Yes!  
And I fortunately know a little magic.  
It's a talent that I always have possessed.  
And here lately,  
please don't laugh,  
I use it on behalf,  
Of the miserable,  
lonely and depressed,  
Pathetic,  
Poor unfortunate souls.  
In pain.  
In need…  
And do I help them?  
Yes, indeed!

_Cut to Filch hammering in a sign about Umbridge being appointed High Inquisitor_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Wait what were the other 23 decrees?

_News paper article about Umbridge_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Ooo! I can't believe they included the Daily Prophet article like that! See the creativity that comes from actually reading the book?! If Kloves only realized you don't need to make it up! It's already written!

* * *

Various Parts of Hogwarts

_Camera enters article picture. Voice over of Fudge. Camera goes from one article about the changes at Hogwarts to another. Camera enters picture with Fudge. Percy walks beside Fudge. Cut to Pink Shoes of Doom walking through corridor. Cut to Umbridge separating students making out. Cut to Umbridge observing Trelawney's lesson. Cut to Umbridge fixing the way the students wear their clothing. Cut to Umbridge interrogating Snape_.

**Umbridge: Evil beyond the Daleks-**I think I beat you for the most horrible teacher ever!

**Snape: Founder of the Anti-Sirius Foundation**-Obviously...

**Snape fans worldwide**-_(Sigh)_

_Ron laughs. Umbridge exits potions_.

**Snape: Founder of the Anti-Sirius Foundation**-SERVED! Pa-Ching-Go!

**Dream**-_(Sigh)_ Snape doesn't need a pimp cane! He's so awesome he oozes it out of his hands!

**Snape fans worldwide**-_(Envies book in Snape's hand)_

_Fred and George play with fire in courtyard. Umbridge wears a hideous furry pink jacket and ruins the fun_.

**Other moviegoers, who are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**-I think I get it! Umbridge lacks fashion sense!

**Dream**-_(Shrieks)_ AH! SHE MURDERED THE CHESHIRE CAT!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-It looks like she stole Hagrid's coat and dyed it pink!_ (Cringes)_

**Orange**-HAHA! UMBRIDGE KILLED A MUPPET!!

_More decrees are put up. Filch brings large ladder into center of students. (Insert ladder comedy) Cut to Umbridge asking Trelawney to predict something. (Insert horrible awkwardness) Cut to Flitwick's choir practice being observed_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Oh sure show the choir! Totally not canon!! DAMN YOU CUARON!

_Umbridge uses evil version of Mary Poppins' measuring tape. Cut back to Umbridge asking Trelawney for a prophecy. Umbridge writes on her clipboard. Trelawney fails. Umbridge exits_.

* * *

Outside the castle

_Harry asks Cho what is going on. (Insert sexual tension) Filch brings out Trelawney's luggage. Students gather. Umbridge approaches_.

**Trelawney**-_(Sob)_

**Umbridge: Evil beyond the Daleks-**I'm a stone cold bitch! HA! HA!

**Dream-**Wow! I think I dislike her more than Emma Watson right now! Wait…Imelda Stauton is acting. Emma can't do that. Back to really disliking Emma!

**Orange**-Awh, poor Trelawney... she's my favorite crazy pants!

_McGonagall rushes to help Trelawney_.

**McGonagall**-Oh I give good hugs! Shhh.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-_(Wipes eyes)_ Oh Maggie Smith I need a hug too!

**Umbridge: Evil beyond the Daleks-**Pathetic!

**McGonagall**-_(About to cry)_ There are several things I would like to say! I know a lot of wizard swears!

**Everyone in theater**-_(Sob)_

_Doors open loudly_.

**Dumbledore: The Pajama Wearer Extraordinaire-**WHO DISTRUBS MY SLUMBER?!

**Umbridge: Evil beyond the Daleks-**Watch it you barmy old codger!

**Dumbledore: The Pajama Wearer Extraordinaire-**Did you wake me up? Did you bring me here?

**Umbridge: Evil beyond the Daleks-**I will have PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWERS!

_Dumbledore exits to take another nap. Harry tries to get his attention. Dumbledore ignores him_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-WHERE HAVE DUMBLEDORE'S HALF-MOON GLASSES GONE?!

_Harry looks emo-ly at the stairs_.

* * *

Gryffindor Common Room

**Hermione: Pantene ProV Spokesperson**-I wish I could punch her like I did Malfoy in Prisoner of Azkaban!

_Trio listens to Fudge on radio_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Since when does the common room have a radio?

**Fudge: The Real Barmy Old Codger**-DenialDenialSIRIUSBLACKDenialDenial.

_Sirius's head appears in fire_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-_(Triumphant)_ HAHA! And _that_ Mike Newell is how to do the face in the fireplace _properly_.

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-Oh, hello reckless godfather! How well thought of you to put your notorious head into a fireplace that is being closely monitored by over-caffinated-sexually-frustrated-FREAKS!!

**Sirius: English Rico suave**-So I read Fudge's blog last night, and it's great because now I'm here to give you the idea to stick it to the man! You should fight back! I have a hunch!

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-Go with a hunch of a man who's brain is fueled by lemon schnapps?

_Sound of door opening_.

**Sirius: English Rico suave**-If you want to survive out here, you've got to know where your towel is.

**Ron, promises NOT to say Bloody Hell, for now**-His hunches are good!

_Sirius leaves fire. Trio watch storm outside window. Hermione attempts to make a point. Meaningful camera zoom toward Harry_.

* * *

The Hog's Head

_High winds speak Harry's name. (Insert sexual innuendo) Shot reopens to Hogsmeade and the trio walking in the snow. Trio enter pub_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Since when is Hogsmeade in the middle of nowhere? And why is it always snowing when they go there? _(Jaw drops)_ ABERFORTH AND GOATS! BWHAHAH!!

_Cut to Hermione nervously addressing large group of people_.

**Hermione: Pantene ProV Spokesperson**-_(Sings)_  
Um diddle diddle diddle  
um diddle ay.  
Um diddle diddle diddle  
um diddle ay.  
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!  
Even though the sound of it.  
Is something quite atrocious.  
If you say it loud enough.  
You'll always sound precocious.  
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

**Zacharias Smith**-I'm here to be a bother. BOTHER!

**Ron, promises NOT to say Bloody Hell, for now**-HEY! THAT'S _MY_ LINE YOU TOSSPOT!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-_(Bounces in seat)_ BWHAHA! This is going to be the best Fred and George moment ever!

_Fred and George never say line_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-_(Cry) _I will never forgive them for leaving that bit out!

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-NOBODY MOVE! I DROPPED MY BRAIN!!

**Luna: Radishes are a girl's best friend**-Now I'm going to steal Susan Bones' line!

_Everyone in the room begins sharing Harry tales_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Wait, why does Ginny know about the SS? Has she been reading Ron's diary or something?

**Hermione: Pantene ProV Spokesperson**-Harry's just great! Just so great! And-

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-Wait Hermione. I want to tell them. All those things you mentioned were great! But you forgot to mention that I recently starred in Equus! Where I was naked. In front of a live audience. I'm not going to be modest here, so let me say it again, _I was naked_! (_Insert heartfelt monologue_)_(Emo)_

**Hermione: Pantene ProV Spokesperson**-Look! I'm going to execute a line without whining or crying or over acting. _(Takes deep breath)_ Voldemort.

_Random child named Nigel speaks_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-_(Shakes fist)_ WHO ARE YOU?!

**Other moviegoers, who are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**-Oh that's Nigel. He was in the last movie!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-_(Glares)_ I _know_ that! But I don't understand why they would bother to _invent_ a new character when Colin Creevey was perfectly fine, instead of this _imposter_!

_Harry looks emo. Cut to everyone signing sheet of paper_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-HOORAY FOR THE DA!!

* * *

Not Canon Bridge

_Group walks. Harry talks importantly. Hermione is excited about breaking rules. Ron gets turned on. Hermione mentions Cho. Group keeps walking. Harry's voice carries. Camera pan to Umbridge watching. _

**Umbridge: Evil beyond the Daleks-**Do I smell the revolting stench of self-esteem?

_A new decree is put up_.

* * *

Hogwarts

_Umbridge speaks over loudspeaker_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Hogwarts doesn't have a loudspeaker!

_Neville finds Room of Requirements_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Since when does the name Neville Longbottom translate to Dobby the house-elf?! Does Neville look like a house-elf? They bothered to put Kreacher in the movie! Bring back Dobby! He's little, green, big watery eyes, batty ears, likes socks, and has an obsession with Harry Potter?! _(Disappointment) _Can't you see we love him?! WHY DO THEY INSIST ON DEPRIVING US?!

**Hermione: Pantene ProV Spokesperson**-Isn't it also amazing how in the movies I always know things I'm not really supposed to know about?!

_Cut to DA practices_.

* * *

The Room of Requirements

**Neville: Not a House Elf**-_(Sad)_

**Dream/Orange**-Awh! Neville needs a hug!

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-Just look at the Slappy Dummy Man and say WHO'S YOUR DADDY!

_Cut to Umbridge's class. Cut to Filch following students. Cut back to DA meetings_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-NO NO NO! Stunning doesn't throw a person across the room!

_Cut to Filch watching wall. Cut back to DA meetings_.

**Ron, promises NOT to say Bloody Hell, for now**-I love a dominate woman.

_Hermione pwns Ron. Ron's ego takes a bigger hit. Hermione is surrounded by group of girls_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Since when is Hermione popular?

_Cut to Filch sleeping. ROR door appears somewhere else_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-_(Shock)_ That was so great of them to include! It's like they understand the room!

_Cut to another decree being put up. Cut to Umbridge's office_.

**Umbridge: Evil beyond the Daleks-**I should have said it resembles tea.

_Cut back to DA meetings_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-WHAT?! Levicorpus is NOT a movie 5 spell!

_Harry helps Cho. Box of treats left for Filch. Filch eats. Fred and George watch. Filch breaks out in Blood Blisters_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-_(Laughs)_ That totally did not happen! And yet it's really funny!

_Cut to DA meetings. Cut to decree about Inquisitorial Squad. Cut back to DA meetings. Cut to Umbridge inducting Malfoy and his gang into the Inquisitorial Squad. Cut to DA meetings_.

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-I love magic!

_Cut to Inquisitorial Squad trying to get into ROR. Cut back to DA meetings. Cut to Inquisitorial Squad running into broom closet. Cut to DA meetings_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-HOORAY NEVILLE!!

_Harry and Cho exchange meaningful looks. Everyone leaves except Harry and Cho_.

**Harry/Cho Shippers**-At last!_  
(Sings)_  
There you see her.  
Sitting there across the way.  
She don't got a lot to say.  
But there's something about her.  
And you don't know why.  
But you're dying to try.  
You wanna kiss the girl.

_Harry makes small talk. Both stare at picture of Cedric_.

**Dream**-_(Sigh)_

_Cho makes small talk. Mistletoe magically grows from ceiling_.

**Cho**-Mistletoe!

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-_(Nervous)_ Probably full of Nargles.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-BWHAHA! Harry said Nargles!! _(Claps)_

_Harry and Cho kiss_.

**Orange**-IT_ BURNS_!

**Harry/Cho Shippers**-_(Sigh)_

_Kiss lasts far too long_

**Dream**-MAKE IT STOP!!

_Mistletoe keeps growing. Cut to Harry's kiss and tell_.

* * *

Common Room

**Ron, promises NOT to say Bloody Hell, for now**-Score!! One for Harry!

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-Well we played a little tonsil hockey. Oh, and she cried.

**Ron, promises NOT to say Bloody Hell, for now**-HAHA! The famous Harry Potter is a bad kisser. I can see the headline now. Where's Rita Skeeter when you need her!

**Hermione: Pantene ProV Spokesperson**-SPOON!!

_Everyone laughs. Hermione laughs longest and hardest_.

**Orange**-I'm sorry, did something funny happen?

**Dream**-It's probably just gas.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-WTF is going on with Emma's hair?! And Cho should not be taking her O.W.L.S.! HELLO! SHE'S A _YEAR_ OLDER THAN HARRY!

_Cut to mysteriously familiar corridor. Harry twitches and groans. DREAM SEQUENCE. Snake slithers. Voice over of Sirius. Shot of GIANT neck. Close up on doorknob. Camera enters large, dark spacious room. Unidentifiable person paces. Shot of Voldemort's hand reaching out. Set of quicker more broken shots. Voldemort whispers Harry's name. Harry continues to attempt to fight off Venom. Arthur Weasley turns and faces camera. SUSPENSE! Neck shot. Arthur is attacked by Nagini. Harry groans a lot_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Oh poor Arthur! Wait! NO! He gets bitten _once_ in the arm!

**Other moviegoers, who are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**-Ooo! Ah! OW! Why?!

_Harry wakes up and is escorted by Ron and McGonagall_.

* * *

Dumbledore's Office

_Harry, McGonagall and the Weasley's talk to Dumbledore. Dumbledore faces wall_.

**Dumbledore: The Pajama Wearer Extraordinaire-**Oh! A Harry Potter themed slumber party! I'll go get the party hats!

_Harry starts to cry. Dumbledore goes to portraits and gives orders_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Why are the Weasley children so calm?! _(Surprised)_ Wow! They really made an effort! Everard _and_ Phineas! This is a happy day for the Potter Fans!

_Everard brings news. Weasley children remain unemotional. Harry begins to have a crick in his neck_.

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-This is a pivotal emo moment!_ (Emo)(Angry)_ LOOK AT ME! I WAS IN EQUUS!!

_Snape enters_.

**Dream/Orange**-_(Swoon)(Sigh)_

**Snape: Founder of the Anti-Sirius Foundation**-This will all end in tears.

_Dumbledore makes no sense. Cut to Snape pulling Harry down the stairs_.

**Dream/Orange**-_(Envies Harry)_

* * *

Snape's Office

**Snape: Founder of the Anti-Sirius Foundation**-Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and they ask me to teach you Occulumency. Call that job satisfaction, 'cause I don't.

_Harry looks frightened. Snape uses spell. Shot of various memories. Shot of snowy Hogwarts. Scene reopens with snowy street_.

* * *

Grimmuald Place

_The Weasley children all stand around the table. Arthur arrives home_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Uh! Wait! NOOO!! They cut St. Mungo's! WHY?! No Neville's parents. No Gilderoy Lockhart return! I shall comfort myself by humming "Weasley is Our King!"

**Mrs. Weasley**-But I'm still here! PRESENTS!!

_Harry enters. Sirius stands in doorway looking reckless. The Weasleys toast Harry. Sirius drinks. Cut to the trio walking down the stairs. Harry acts dejected. Harry ventures off into random room. Kreacher insults him. Sirius yells at him. Harry makes a rather obvious observation about the house. Sirius explains the family tree_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Ooo! I like that it takes up the whole wall! Ooo Bellatrix!

_Sirius points to his own missing portrait._

**Sirius: English Rico suave**-The black spot!

_Sirius explains a bit about his past. Compliments Harry about his likeness to James_.

**Dream**-DELUSIONAL! RECKLESS! IDIOT!!

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-SNAKES ON A PLANE!

**Orange**-Sirius totally fails at attempting to look concerned!

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-No! No! No! Over and over! I'm just…so... Sometimes I get so!... angry. (_laughs really hard_)

_(Sirius monologues_)

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-That's the second time they didn't ruin a speech. I cannot believe I'm actually hearing lines from the book!

_Hermione enters. Sirius and Harry walk toward the door. Sirius says a series of things that will become very ironic later. Harry hugs Sirius. Sirius closes the door. Camera rests on the black spot that was Sirius' portrait. SUBTLE FORESHADOWING. Cut to Hogwarts_.

* * *

Hogwarts

_Harry walks with Cho. Hermione screeches about Hagrid being back_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Ah finally! Even though he actually comes back at night!

_The trio run down to Hagrid's hut. Umbridge is heard harassing Hagrid. Umbridge leaves_.

* * *

Hagrid's Hut

**Hagrid**-Dumbledore sent me to party with the giants!

_Hagrid gives Fang raw meat_.

**Everyone**-Um…Ew…

_Mysterious thunder and wind_.

**Hagrid**-Little surprises around every corner, but nothing dangerous.

* * *

Azkaban

_Random Death Eaters arm. Bellatrix licks Dark Mark. Spell destroies Azkaban_.

**Bellatrix**-_(Reenacts Shawshank Redemption scene of freedom)_

**Orange**-Helena Bonham Carter you rock at the crazy!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Ooo Bellatrix! But we're never actually supposed to see Azkaban!

**Other moviegoers, who are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**-I'm afraid to ask.

_Cut to Daily Prophet. Voice over of Fudge. Camera enters picture_.

**Fudge: The Real Barmy Old Codger**-DENIAL!

_Cut to more headlines. Picture of Bellatrix being crazy. Cut to Neville putting down the paper and looking angry. Trio enter_.

* * *

Great Hall

**Seamus**-Hi Harry! I'd like to bask in your heavenly glow again! Thanks for being such a good sport for the last hour and twenty minutes that we've been clearly angry with each other for. Okay well I'll text you later! XOXO!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-_(Takes deep breath)_ What is with the fights in these movies?! It's like all the boys are afraid to break their nails!

* * *

Room of Requirement

_Neville stands in front of mirror. Harry stands beside him. Neville explains his past_.

**Dream**-Cedric who? Neville you are so adorable! You have officially moved up to number six on my list of people to marry. Right after Jason Isaacs and before Orlando Bloom.

**Orange**-You have a list?

**Dream**-Yes! Don't you?!

**Orange**-_(Looks skeptically at Dream)_

_Cut to Harry teaching everyone how to do the Patronus Charm_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-_(Loves this scene)_

_Chandelier shakes ominously. Everyone just stands around. Glass shatters. Umbridge blows up wall_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-_(Folds arms) _That is not how it is supposed to happen!

**Orange**-Well, that's a clever way of getting in a room; Explode the thing! I thought you were prepared for things like this, Hogwarts!

_Malfoy reveals Cho as the betrayer_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-HOLY SHIT! _(Pause)_ Okay with that one little shot they blew through about a dozen chapters. _(Begins to make checklist)_ No Harry and Cho Valentine's Day fight. No Rita Skeeter. No Quibbler article. No Marietta. So…So…No SNEAK! ALL IS LOST! _(Hysterics)_

* * *

Dumbledore's Office

_Umbridge rants to Fudge. Percy escorts Harry and Cho in. Umbridge, Fudge, Kingsley and Dawlish look at Dumbledore_.

**Other moviegoers, who are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**-Why do they insist on having characters in a scene without introducing who they are!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**- Shutup, it's just Dawlish.

**Dumbledore: The Pajama Wearer Extraordinaire-**Hooray! Fudge you decided to come to one of my slumber parties! And Harry's here too! Oh this is going to be so much fun! We can stay up late, swapping manly stories, and in the morning, I'm making waffles!

**Fudge: The Real Barmy Old Codger**-OFF WITH HIS HEAD!

**Dumbledore: The Pajama Wearer Extraordinaire-**Well I never! If you won't sleep over fine then! But don't barge into my office and then insult me too! And with that ladies and gentlemen, I bid thee adieu!

_Dumbledore makes a spectacular exit_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-_(Jaw drops)(Shock)(Awe)(Applauds)_

**Kingsley**-You may not like him, Minister, but you can't deny: Dumbledore's got style.

**Other moviegoers, who are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**-_(Laughs really hard)_

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Hey that's Phineas' line! _(Smirks anyway)_

_Cut to Filch adding a decree. Umbridge speaks over loudspeaker. Cut to Filch removing all the paintings. Cut to large door being locked_.

* * *

Detention

_Quills scratch. Students grunt_.

**Umbridge: Evil beyond the Daleks-**I want you bleeders.

_Cho waits outside detention. Students exit_.

**Cho**-So um…This is that second time I break your heart. So…Ah…See you around then?

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-Thanks for the memories.

_Cut to Not Canon Bridge. Harry talks emo-ly. Hagrid appears_.

* * *

Forbidden Forest

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-_(Sings sadly)_ Weasley is our King _(Sob)_ Weasley is our King _(Sob)_ He didn't let the Quaffle in _(Sob)_ Weasley is our King! _(Buries face in hands and weeps)_

**Ron, promises NOT to say Bloody Hell, for now**-I know. I'm depressed too. I had my musical number for this parody all picked out and everything. There was going to be a huge dance number and my name in lights. And the whole thing tossed aside. Forgotten. _(Sobs)_ Oh Harry hold me!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Grawpy! He's so cute!

**Other moviegoers, who are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**-How is Hagrid's brother so big?

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-YOU-WOULD-KNOW-THIS-IF-THEY-HAD-EXPLAINED-IT-IN-THE-LAST MOVIE-LIKE-THEY-WERE-SUPPOSED-TO!

**Other moviegoers, who are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**-Wait, Grawp was in the last movie?

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Are you really _that_ confused?!

**Other moviegoers, who are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**-Uhuh!

_Grawp picks up Hermione_.

**Dream**-EAT HER!

**Orange**-But Grawp doesn't eat junk food.

_Ron hits Grawp with log. Grawp kicks Ron_.

**Hagrid**-It happens every time, they all become blueberries.

_Hermione demands Grawp put her down. Grawp listens. Grawp gives Hermione a present. Hermione rings bell. Grawp is happy. Ron is jealous_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-AWH!

* * *

Snape's Office

_Memory of the mirror of Erised_.

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-I'm sorry, I was having a flashback.

**Snape: Founder of the Anti-Sirius Foundation**-I see. These flashbacks happen often?

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-Increasingly...today.

**Snape: Founder of the Anti-Sirius Foundation**-I know. Wretched, isn't it?

**Dream**-_(Drool)_

**Orange**-Oh Alan Rickman, you are so eloquently awesome!

_Cut back to present day_.

**Snape: Founder of the Anti-Sirius Foundation**-I would just like to warn the Hardcore Fans that they completely butcher this scene! My deepest apologies.

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-I WAS IN EQUUS!!

_Snape casts spell. Harry hugs Sirius_.

**Dream/Orange**-_(Gag)_

**Snape: Founder of the Anti-Sirius Foundation**-I think I may vomit.

**Dream**-Oh see! Snape-y agrees!

**Orange**-_(Sigh)_

_Cut to present day_.

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-Ow!

**Snape: Founder of the Anti-Sirius Foundation**-Does Potter need a nap?

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-YEAH!!

**Snape: Founder of the Anti-Sirius Foundation**-Well too bad!!

**Dream**-Oh Snape you can run at me! Just let me take my clothes off first!

**Orange**-He totally needs to trademark the cloak swish thing! _(Fans self)_

**Snape: Founder of the Anti-Sirius Foundation**-However, if you should decide to stop being selfish and accept your responsibility, you won't be alone. You'll have support.

_Snape's worst memory_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-NO! This is supposed to done through the Pensieve!

_Young Snape walks. Broken images. Marauders harass Snape_.

**Snape: Founder of the Anti-Sirius Foundation**-Incredible... it's even worse than I thought it would be.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-_(Speechless)_ Uh…Hmmm…Ah! And they don't even bother to include more what that scene is _supposed_ to look like in the deleted scenes!

**Other moviegoers, who are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**-WTF?!

_Harry runs away_.

* * *

Courtyard

_Fred and George make a little kid feel better_.

**Dream**-_(Adds Fred and George to the list of people to marry)_

_Umbridge is nasty_.

**Fred**-Hakuna Matata!

**George**-What a wonderful phrase!

* * *

Great Hall

_Cut to O.W.L.S. in progress. Umbridge goes to investigate noise_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-_(Bounces in seat)_ BWHAHAHA WEASLEY TWIN FIREWORKS!!

**Fred**-_(Sings)_  
Hakuna Matata!  
What a wonderful phrase!

**George**-_(Sings)_  
Hakuna Matata!  
Ain't no passing craze!

**Fred/George**-_(Sings)_  
It means no worries.  
For the rest of your days.  
It's our problem-free philosophy.  
Hakuna Matata!

**Filch**-I'm going to need a bigger bucket.

_Dragon firework goes after Umbridge. Dragon firework sneezes. Decrees are destroyed. Fred and George fly out of hall. Students follow. Giant W lights up the sky_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-BWHAHAHA!! GO FLITWICK! I shall forgive them for the lack of the irremovable swamp. But why couldn't they put Peeves in just this once?! _(Pouts)_

_Harry passes out_.

**Dream**-Harry always ruins all the fun!

_Cut to dream of Sirius being tortured_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Ooo!

_Harry makes the connection to corridor and his hearing. Hermione looks concerned. Cut to the trio running up stairs_.

* * *

Umbridge's Office

**Hermione: Pantene ProV Spokesperson**-IT'S A DREAM!

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-I won't listen to you, Hermione, especially when you're right! Now, let me make a series of huge mistakes and then feel responsible for my godfather's death, without interruption, thank you very much!

_Trio sneaks into Umbridge's office. Plate-Kitty goes to tattle. Umbridge appears. Ginny, Neville, and Luna are caught too_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Um? What about Kreacher's highly important-to-plot line?

_Snape enters_.

**Snape: Founder of the Anti-Sirius Foundation**-I've calculated your chance of survival, but I don't think you'll like it.

**Orange**-Ugh! You're so dumb Harry, OF COURSE Snape lied!

_Umbridge threatens to use the Cruciatus curse. Umbridge covers Fudge's portrait_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Well I think we all suspect there is something going on between them.

**Dream**-Haha! I bet Umbridge's alter-ego is a dominatrix!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Wow! That was actually an appropriate moment for Emma to overact!

_Cut to Hermione and Harry leading Umbridge into the Forbidden Forest_.

* * *

Forbidden Forest

_Grawp is loose. Umbridge reveals her dark secret of hatred toward children. Umbridge pisses off the Centaurs. Grawp picks up Umbridge_.

**Dream**-YEAH EAT HER!!

**Orange**-Mmm. Much too sugary for Grawp!

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-I'm sorry Professor. I will not reprise my role in Equus for you!

_Umbridge is carried away. Harry and Hermione leave_

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-I just want it known, that I have not forgotten that they did not include Firenze. But I have decided to forgive them because the Centaurs look so much better in this movie than the last time!

_Everyone meets up on Not-Canon Bridge. Ron is clever. Harry subtly tells Neville, Ginny, and Luna he doesn't want them to come_.

* * *

Flying

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-_(Cheers)_ HOORAY THEY'RE FLYING!!

**Other moviegoers, who are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**-I missed something…

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-EQUUS!!

* * *

The Ministry of Magic

_Everyone runs through the atrium. Cut to the hall of prophecies_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-_(Pauses)_ They skipped the brain room. The circular room where the doors rotate. The planet room. And the time room!_ (Folds arms)(Glares)_

_Harry runs down aisles counting_.

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-My mind is far from easy, in these once familiar streets I feel shadows...everywhere...

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-Well I'm shocked they got the aisle number right!

_Harry discovers Sirius isn't there. Neville finds Harry's prophecy_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-NO! Harry doesn't get the prophecy from the little orb!

**Other moviegoers, who are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**-Why is that thing speaking? That voice sounds familiar…Is it Kreacher?!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-_(Faceplam)_

**Lucius**-I brought the cane of awesomeness! Now I shall pwn you all! OWNED!!

**Bellatrix**-_(Sings)_  
No one's gonna hurt you,  
no one's gonna dare.  
Others can desert you..  
Not to worry, whistle, I'll be there!  
Demons'll charm you with a smile,  
for a while.  
But in time...  
Nothing can harm you.  
Not while I'm around…

**Dream/Orange**-She's so awesome!

**Neville: Not a House Elf**-_(Sings)_ I WILL HAVE VENGEANCE! I WILL HAVE SALVATION!

_Death Eaters surround them. The DA stupefys the surrounding Death Eaters and split up_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-WTF?! Death Eaters don't turn into smoke!

**Other moviegoers, who are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**-Lucius looks like the Sand-Man! I'm going to watch Spider-Man 3 after this!

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-_(Sings)_  
One jump ahead of the slowpokes.  
One skip ahead of my doom.  
Next time gonna use a nom de plume.  
One jump ahead of the hitmen.  
One hit ahead of the flock.  
I think I'll take a stroll around the block.

_Luna gets bitch slapped. Neville freezes Death Eater. The trio runs together. Smoke Death Eaters chase after. Hermione uses spell to break prophecies. The DA runs into each other. Ginny destroys the entire hall. Big running sequence. The door leads them into the Death Chamber_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-That's not a veil! _(Disappointed)_

_Death Eater smoke envelopes the DA. Death Eaters restrain members of the DA_.

**Lucius**-I will now leave you with an ultimatum!

_Harry hands over prophecy. Sirius punches Lucius. The Order arrives. The prophecy breaks. The room fills with dark and light smoke_.

**Dream**-This is what happens when you join a cult run by Dumbledore!

_Sirius and Harry fight Death Eaters on dais. SUSPENSE! Moody uses pimp cane_.

**Sirius: English Rico suave**-MMMWWWHHHAAA NICE ONE JAMES!!

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-FUCK YOU! I HOPE THAT STUPID DRAPE OF DEATH WITH ITS STUPID WHISPERING-INVISIBLE-PEOPLE PWNS YOUR STUPID RECKLESS ASS!

_Bellatrix kills Sirius. Sirius is pwned by drapery_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-NOOO! Sirius was supposed to be dueling Bellatrix, and she was supposed to stun him! He didn't even laugh!

**Other moviegoers, who are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**-Wait I can't decide if I love him or hate him! OMG HE'S MELTING! Wait did he just die?

_Somber music plays. Harry's yell is soundless. Lupin restrains Harry_.

**Sirius Fans**-_(WAILS)_

_Harry runs after Bellatrix_.

**Bellatrix**-_(Sings)_ I killed Sirius Black!

**Orange**-This is officially the best song ever!

**Dream**-_(Hums along)_ It's catchy!

_Harry uses the Cruciatus curse on Bellatrix. Harry hears Voldemort in his head_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-But those are Bellatrix's lines!!

_Voldemort appears. Harry turns on him. Dumbledore arrives._

**Dumbledore: The Pajama Wearer Extraordinaire-**Okay, which one of you bastards interrupted me? I was making a cake!

_Bellatrix leaves. Voldemort and Dumbledore duel. Voldemort blows fire out of his mouth. Fire becomes a snake_.

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-OH HELL NO! I AM SICK AND TIRED OF THESE MOTHER FUCKIN' SNAKES ON THIS MOTHER FUCKIN' PLANE!

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-NOT CANON!!

_Dumbledore uses water charm_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-CANON!!

_Voldemort breaks all the glass and then aims it at Dumbledore and Harry. Dumbledore produces a shield and the glass becomes sand_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-What's with the Earth-Wind-Fire-esque battle? And Dumbledore didn't make the Fountain come to life! _(Rolls eyes)_

**Voldemort-**Well...crap, that was all I had, really...

_Voldemort possesses Harry_.

**Harrymort**-I really need more fiber!

_Voldemort invents the lastest dance craze in Harry's mind. The DA arrives_.

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-I WAS IN EQUUS!

_Voldemort leaves Harry_.

**Voldemort**-Ick! Apathetic bloody wizard. I've no sympathy at all.

_Ministry people arrive_.

**Hardcore HP fans, who are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such-**You know, having Voldemort standing over a completely defenseless Harry kind of ruins the whole 'Greatest Wizard of All Time' thing.

**Fudge: The Real Barmy Old Codger**-Oops! Haha! You know Dumbledore I'll take you up on that slumber party now!

* * *

Hogwarts

_Cut to Daily Prophet articles_.

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-OMG! Someone read Half-Blood Prince too! Did you see that? The paper mentions Fudge resigns!

_Harry packs up trunk. Cut to Dumbledore and Harry heart-to-heart_.

**Dumbledore: The Pajama Wearer Extraordinaire-**Ah, Harry I was wondering when you would come to my office to break my many fragile, but priceless trinkets!

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-Eh, I don't really feel up to it. Can we just _talk_?

**Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-_(Pouts)_ But I wanted to see SUPER CAPSLOCK HARRY_! (Resists urge to break things for Harry)_ AND THEY CUT NEARLY HEADLESS NICK!!

**Other moviegoers, who are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**-I give up! This movie doesn't make sense! When did the prophecy say anything like that?!

_Cut to shot of Hogwarts. All the portraits are restored. Harry walks downstairs emo-ly. Luna puts up signs_.

**Luna: Radishes are a girl's best friend**-So I somehow know that Sirius is your godfather.

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-Have you been stalking my Myspace?!

_Shot of Luna's radish converse hanging from ceiling_.

**Orange**-OMG! I want radish converse!

_Luna skips away. Cut to leaving scene. The trio walk and Neville, Ginny, and Luna join them_.

**Harry: Anger Management Member since 2003**-_(Sings)_  
These are my friends.  
See how they glisten.  
See this one shine.  
How he smiles in the light.  
My friends.  
My faithful friends…

_Cut to credits_

**

* * *

Hardcore HP fans are not petty nit-picky people who resent being referred to as such**-So let me get this straight. Voldemort and Draco moonlight as models for Armani suits. And Luna is working for Converse. What type of people do they think we are?!

**Dream**-BRILLIANT! ABSOULTELY FABULOUS!!

**Orange**-Finally a movie made for people who read the books!

**Other moviegoers, who are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time**-WOW! That was thoroughly…WOW! _(Whispers)_ I don't get it.

**THE END!**

* * *

**Author's Note**- _(Hums)_ I love reviews! La La La! _(Looks Up)_ Oh hello! Well there you have it!

Please do me the honor of reviewing. Thanks!

And try not to get too upset with whatever horrible non-canon crap they start doing with the next movie! _(Cheers)_**  
**


	2. Three Parodies for the price of one!

**Author's Note Summer 2008-** First off, I would like to thank everyone who reviewed thus far! I greatly appreciate the feedback! So, with all of you in mind I went to see Dark Knight in IMAX and I was very much looking forward to the teaser trailer. As usual with all things in relation to the HP movies I found myself incredibly disappointed. It should also be noted that it is very difficult to focus on HP when the factions of my brain have separated themselves into Team Cedric and Team Edward. They bicker often. Today Edward is winning…However, I know what is expected of me and would never want to disappoint my friends and fans here, unlike WB. I hope you all enjoy this little snack! At least Dark Knight was really good! Thanks again for reading and _**reviewing**_**!**_(hint)(hint)_

**A Teaser Parody to the As-Of-Yet-Unnamed Half-Blood Prince Movie Parody**

* * *

_HP Theme (relative cheers from crowd)_

**Dumbledore Voice over-** HEY ALL! We have already cut most of the good parts of the movie as well as had the audacity to add a scene, which continues to prove how little Kloves really understands the series. Well it was nice chatting with you all! Enjoy Dark Knight!

_Cut to short shot of the teaser poster_

**Everyone in theater-** _(Dumbfounded) _Huh? _THAT'S IT?!_

**Dream-** _(Turns to friend)_ I wonder if Twilight will be in IMAX! Well if it is, I hope they didn't bother to get costumes for Edward Cullen! I can already imagine Robert Pattinson NAKED in IMAX! _(Drool) _Oh, now I really can't wait for Twilight!

**Daniel Radcliffe**- EQUUS!!

* * *

**Author's Note Fall 2008**- I figured everyone is still a little miffed about the HBP movie move from November to July. And I didn't want any one to think I'd forgotten about my fans here just because I've been a bit preoccupied with Twilight fics and things. Anyway I hope this makes everyone a little bit less bitter. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far I love you all! And in case any one is wondering I love HP as much as Twilight so please do not be insulted by my obvious displeasure with HP as well my delight with Twilight.

ENJOY!

**A Press Release Statement Parody

* * *

**

**WB**- Hi fans! We love you all so much we're going to be moving Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince to July 2009. I know you were expecting it in November, but we've thought about it and it seems like a better idea to give us more money. All different kinds of statements blaming this on the writer's strike and Daniel Radcliffe's Broadway career will be brought up or rumored about. In reality the move to summer 2009 has nothing to do with any of these reasons. We would however like to clarify that this move has absolutely nothing to do with the movie release of Stephenie Meyer's Twilight hit (_Please do not go and see this movie, we beg of you!_). It has nothing to do with how absolutely terrified we are of losing our devoted fan base simply because an actor (who will remain nameless) we made famous as Cedric Diggory (_that's right Robert Pattinson we're talking to you, you traitor!_) was cast as the main character. We here at WB are sure you will all understand and support this decision. As you can see it is clearly safer to move Half-Blood Prince as far away from the release of Twilight as possible. This is simply being done to avoid confusion on which movie actually reads the books and so on. Anyway, Half-Blood Prince is going to be nothing like the book which will be visually stunning and hopefully thoroughly fan pleasing. We look forward to seeing you in 2009! Oh! And just to make you feel worse, now Half-Blood Prince is coming out closer to the release of Deathly Hallows Part One. Isn't it great there's going to be two parts? That's like three more Harry Potter movies to look forward to! Thanks for not rioting in the streets about this and stay away from Twilight!

XOXO you know you love us!

**Daniel Radcliffe**- Pick me! Choose me! Love me!

**Harry Potter Fans**- _(Sour) _

**Summer Entertainment**- We love our fans! And since WB fails at everything we're just going to show them up and take all of their disgruntled fans by moving our movie up to the same weekend! EVERYONE BE HAPPY!!

**Robert Pattinson**- _I _wear topaz contacts!

**Twilight Fans**- _(Break out the party hats and dance party music)_ Support Cedric Diggory! POTTER STINKS!

* * *

**Author's Note** **Winter 2009**- I have been deliberating how to write this or if I should even bother for sometime. I finally decided it was best to do a reaction parody (or something I've fondly named a reactionarody) instead of picking at the trailer because then I'll need new material for the real parody, so I'm saving all the good stuff for later! Thanks for reading!

**_A Reactionarody to the Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince Full Trailer

* * *

_**

**Everyone in theater**- _(Deafening cheers)_

**Dream**- _(Laughs hysterically annoying everyone in the vicinity and completely misses the trailer)_ Oh! Oh and it would be utterly hilarious if the teaser trailer for New Moon premieres during Half-Blood Prince in July!!!

* * *

Now, its about that time again where I shamelessly beg for reviews _(Beg)(Beg)(Beg)_ Thanks for reading!


	3. Author's Note

UPDATE!

Hello devoted parody readers! With HBP _finally_ on DVD I have received a number of inquiries about the related parody. This is when the real work starts, so it will be a little while longer. However, I would like to remind everyone that if you would like to contribute to the parody, now is the time to do so! -SEE BOTTOM OF POST FOR RULES-

**Attention:**

**Hardcore HP fans who are not petty nit-picky people and resent being referred to as such,  
Other moviegoers who are not always confused; they just don't get everything all the time,  
Anti-Cuaron people,  
The "I actually kind of cried when Dumbledore died even though Michael Gambon will never be Dumbledore to me" people,  
The "Ronald Weasley, whose only point in the movie is for comic relief" people,  
Snape Lovers Worldwide,  
Every Girl In The Theater,  
The "Cormac McLaggen is yummier than ice cream" people,  
Robert Pattinson Fangirls  
Death Eaters,  
and Shippers alike,**

It's finally that time again! And you are the chosen ones! The HBP Parody is currently underway. I went to the midnight premiere of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, more specifically the 12:02am showing, because 12:01am is _so_ 2006!(I can't take credit for that joke, a very good friend of mine twittered that in the extra minute we had before the movie started, so kudos to Nikki!). Anyway, I thoroughly irritated all my friends with a short list of all the things I have already started thinking about for the next parody, because I know I read HBP, but apparently not the one the movie was named for. If anyone has a copy of that, please can I borrow it?! I was a little confused! But, since the movie was atrocious enough the title I've been considering for this parody is official. No, I will not tell you the name I'm thinking of! It'll ruin the surprise! Though, if anyone would like to suggest a title, I'm open to it. Well, I hope to produce just as successful a parody as the previous ones. To achieve this I call upon you (the readers), once again to contribute something you'd like to see to make this parody the best! However, before you all make a mad rush to review; there are a few rules this time around:

_-Do not post a list of everything that was missing in the movie from the book, how badly a scene was butchered or the extreme change in plot. These are things I am aware of and incredibly meticulous about._

_-You may post a suggestion for the title, a line/joke, a character's name for the parody or a complaint about WB, Steve Kloves, Alfonso Cuaron, David Yates, Michael Gambon, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows PART ONE, etc._

Please post your ideas in the review section. Your contribution is very much appreciated, although I do not guarantee that I will use all of them.

Mischief managed!

Dreamstallion33


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